I Confess: I taught my toddler to swear and she made me proud.

I Confess: I taught my toddler to swear and she made me proud.

A confession from Hello Bello's Dad (aka Dax Shepard)

The worst thing that can happen - if you have kids, you know this - the worst thing is they wake up so early. They wake up soooo early and I don’t know what they think they’re going to do, but  I go to great lengths to make sure it doesn’t happen and they won’t wake up. I put aluminum foil on their windows on the outside of the house. It’s like they’re meth addicts and I swear if the police drove by and could see the windows, they’d be like, “We gotta bust that house.”

I also put a towel under the crack of the door where light could come in. I really stuff it in there and they might suffocate, but that’s not the point of this story. (Nor would it actually happen.)

So one night I’m in there, I sing them Wheels on the Bus, everything’s good, they’re going to sleep. I go to bend down to pick up the towel to put it under the door and they have a bookshelf right there and I bend down and WHAM! Straight into the bridge of my nose. Hardest I’ve ever been hit in the nose. Almost blacked out...and I let a couple 'm-f-ers' rip. Cuz I’ve lost track of where I’m at and I feel like I’m in an alley fight or something, so I let a couple of m-f-ers fly. The kids had just heard Wheels on the Bus and then I was screaming that. 

The worst part of the story is two days later Kristen's walking down the hallway, and Lincoln's in her room trying to get this sweatshirt off - she's like 3 - and her arms are all bound up in it and she's getting frustrated and she goes, 'Ow! F***!""

And Kristen comes in the kitchen and she goes, “She just said ‘Oh, f***!’”

And I go, “Okay, here’s what we do. We pretend it never happened. We’ll ignore it. Cuz if she finds out we don’t want her to say it, she’ll say it all the time.”

About 5 hours later at a pool party, she’s in the pool and she says, "This pool is f**king warm.”

And again we were like...aaaahhhh...uuhhmmm…

And now we ignore it a second time.

Side note, we were like, “She's nailing the syntax. She knows that she's using it as an adjective, an adverb.” We were proud (secretly) and she stopped saying it.

NOTE: This is a judgment-free zone! Our Confessions series is meant to show that no one’s a perfect parent and we all make mistakes and we even make our own rules sometimes to survive this crazy journey of raising humans. It’s meant to be light-hearted and entertaining. We welcome comments and even your own confessions (you can submit them here for a chance to be featured on our blog). We do not tolerate shaming, judging, or negativity of any kind. Our parenting community is one of inclusivity and support. Bring the love, people!


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