When battling postpartum depression and/or anxiety, good days are the best. You may feel like bottom of the trashcan scum one day and the next morning you wake up happy and actually hear birds chirping. Thing is, you don’t know how long they'll last.
Good days are like going to the Olive Garden and never having to say “when” when they are grating the cheese. You get your dish as usual but it’s topped with goodness, a lot of it.
Waking up and going through your normal day to day but actually being “there” is amazing. You can hear the birds chirping. The sky looks brighter. Your baby is the most beautiful angelic thing you’ve ever seen. You are enjoying motherhood. You can’t imagine life any other way. It’s almost like you forget what the bad days feel like. You block them from your brain and it feels like you’ve overcome something incredible.
The worst part is when you’re triggered back into the black hole of your PPD/PPA. Here you are enjoying all that extra cheese and boom...someone knocks the plate into your lap. That spaghetti sauce won’t come out easily, so you’ll have to fight it or just sit there as the stain sets in. Depression and anxiety is like a freakin' stain. No matter how hard you try to get it out of you, you can still see it lurking..reminding you it can happen again. All it takes is one worthless thought to creep in and the 'thoughtnado' starts twisting and tossing all your thoughts everywhere. It’s the worst.
What I’m trying to say is, I get it. I’m there. Good days and bad days. A few days ago I hated everything. I wondered about my purpose. Would my family be better off without me? Am I making them miserable? Am I going to lose my job? I’m failing. I’m the worst. I cried hard. I cried a lot.
The next morning I woke up with a smile on my face. Weird. I didn’t hit snooze. I didn’t wallow in mom guilt in the bed. I just...got up. I peeked at my sleeping baby. I went downstairs grabbed a piece of banana bread and started working. It was early. Like morning early...I am not a morning person. I got my hours in for work. I got my son dressed, let my husband sleep, fed the baby and put her down. I then left and got breakfast for my husband and I thought "Who is this normal human being?"
Man, I don’t know but I think I love her. As we all know, don’t fall in love too fast. I know that clumsy waiter named depression is around the corner waiting to knock this plate of goodness right out of my hands. I’m enjoying my kids. I'm making jokes. I’m enjoying my job. I’m feeling motivated. I’m loving my mom bod...yeah I don’t ever love my body. I’m doing yoga and drinking water.
Today is just today. Just live right now. Just this second. Enjoy this time, enjoy what’s being offered to you...Never say “when”.
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Wow, so well written and thoughtful. Mostly, however, very relatable. Some people may be experiencing more bad days than good ones, but whatever ones current or usual mixture, I’m sure most can relate to aspects of these range of feelings. Thank you for sharing. I’d love to hear more about the “bad” days too. I feel it’s hard to share about myself. It’s important for others to know they aren’t alone and certainly not crazy for having these sorts of thoughts and experiences. It’s all so common. Blessings.